An Excerpt from my new James Bond Novella, ‘To Die, is The Plan’
Bond and Natellia Novella fell foppishly onto his big sofa, breathing heavily. Blowfelt had left quickly, and the two were finally alone in his swanky Casino bedroom. A craps table sat ominously next to them, and the sounds of gambling drifted up through the hole in the toilet wall. The toilet was too close to the bed, but neither sweaty room patron seemed to mind.
‘A drink, M’lady?’ said bond, untying his bowtie like he had the fattest neck in the world.
‘Just a swift half, I get all farty if I have too many bubbles’ said miss Novella, her breasts resting securely behind her loose fitting top, slopping all about like 2 Jellyfish marooned on dry land.
Bond poured the champers seductively, loosening his belt with one hand, like a hangman releasing a wrongly convicted not murderer. ‘I never fart’ he said untruthfully. (he had been farting all evening, but no casino patrons heard it, but their noses had pricked up on occasion).
‘this drink is great!’ exclaimed Natellia, her breasts jiggling excitedly, like a Jellyfish on the spade of a man who’s job it is to take all the dead jellyfish of a beach, once they’ve died of being washed ashore.
‘Why don’t you take off your blouse’ said James. ‘Get comfy, like me.’ he pointed at his crotch and let out a burp, that could have been mistaken for a mispronounced arabic word.
‘You fuckin what mate!?’ exclaimed NN annoyedly. ‘Just because we’ve played some cards and run off from some scarred imbecilic baldy, you think that means I’m good for a boinking? I’m a good northern lass, and if you want these flaps you’ll have to put a ring on it!’
Aw, go on, I’m pretty sexy’ said Bond. I’m good at it, too!’.
‘No way, you stink of fags and Martini and you’re not my type. too over dressed’.
James turned away, hurt. after another burp (louder this time) he started gently sobbing.
‘Are you crying, soft boy?’ said the sexy Northern Lass, her breasts ready to sting, like two Jellyfish awoken in the beach cleaner’s janitorial hut.
‘No’ said James burpilly, ‘I’m just tired. plus, most of you lot are well up for it. I’m a bigtime super spy, and I have loads of sex on my dangerous adventures’
‘Well’, said NN tiredly, ‘I’m not like those other girls, so you can do one. I’ve texted my mum so she’s coming to get me. I hope you act better in future’
‘I will’ said bond, learning-thigsally. ‘I won’t be as assumption hungry next time.’
Miss Novella left, and took her jelly breasts with her. James let out a big burp, and a fart for good measure. Feeling less gassy, he relaxed and watched family guy on the hotel TV.
Just then, a big missile flew in through the window and exploded him to bits.
The End.
