How I Slashed my Energy Bill in HALF by Alexandrea Sotheby Willbourough III
The time of hardship is upon us. The noble conservative heroes of our government have done all they can, but energy prices are still on the rise. It’s time for me, a member of the lorded gentry, to finally get my voice heard and relieve the pain of the riff-raff with these simple money saving tips:
- Turn off unnecessary electrical items
Everyone forgets the small things that cause electricity bills to be high. sockets left on, radios playing and your husband’s dedicated full room humidor set-up being on, even when it’s not cigar season! Me and my husband are by no means rich (me with my 18 million dollar fortune, before allowing for the estates, and my husband, owner of British Gas) but we get by.
we saved pounds by making little changes to our living situation. Instead of flying to Dubai to bathe in my gold plated bathtub atop the highest building in the world, I simply bathe at home. I save on heating by making my servants thrash around in the water for hours before I use the bath, heating the water with nothing but the exhaustion and exertion of the working class. Instead of letting chef boil the 20 gallons of water needed to heat up my caviar from the extinct Amazonian monstromo fish, I simply eat it cold. this has cut pennies of of the bill every year!
The TV was always on while I was working (designing hats for horse riding events, for the horses to wear) and I have saved many pence by turning it off. In these hard times, I have learned to make my own entertainment. I simply get my in 12 person in house chamber quire to sing to me, or hire the national Shakespeare company to perform a merry comedy for me if I feel sad.
2. Heat yourself.
heating 6 manor houses can be an expensive undertaking. I save money on heating by not running all the radiators AND all of the air conditioners simultaneously, as is tradition. When I need additional heat, I simply spend the night in the heated chambers and crochety embrace of my cousin, The Queen. And on those cold winter evenings when the Queen is in Balmoral, I go to the stables for warmth.
The state of the art ‘Horse Heaters’ serve as great ways to keep warm, plus the warm breath of the most expensive horse in the world, Lord Billbonks, and his owner, Princess Margret, blowing a cooling and heating gush of sugar flavoured air onto my goggle eyed, inbred face, warms me more than so called ‘heaters’ ever could.
Never underestimate the value of an employee for heating needs. The ruddied palms and course, hairy, muscular body of a working class stable hand can keep you warm and entertained, with a vigorous and forbidden rogering. My husband doesn’t mind, he’s secretly gay, and years of inbreeding have left him with a forskin tighter than the casing of a 1 million pound sausage.
3. Make Sacrifices
Sacrifices in comfort are a must. Instead of always flying in my private one woman gold plated bi plane, I have taken to slumming it in 1st class of private airlines. instead of using 3 separate chauffeurs (one for me, one for my horse, and one for a selection of Horse hats to wear at the grand horse ball) I simply hire a giant stage coach that we all fit in. And of course, don’t forget to raise the rent of all your tenants just as they themselves are feeling the pinch, this is a vital way to gain extra money to pay for the charging of the cattle prod you poke them with if they have the audacity to refuse to pay your extortionately high rent.
I also bought a £20 kettle, that in just 3 years will have paid for itself.
My energy bill went from £25000 to just £200, simply by informing the man asking for the money that my husband is head of British gas, and with a word, I could have him killed with no questions asked. It really is that simple!
