Why it’s time to get rid of the royal family.

Sam Rhodes
4 min readApr 11, 2021
Man, That’s one Ill Phil.

That old dude who was married to the queen died, and everyone got upset. I made a few jokes, and people were annoyed at me. How dare I? As a Brit, I should be proud of the Royal family, and should enter a North Korean style time of wailing and grieving. I should watch the black screen on BBC4 all day and cry into my memorial tea towel.

But I didn’t. I have made no secret over the years of my distaste towards the royal family, and would like a chance to explain to you why that is.

  1. Massively Unchecked and untaxed wealth.

The royal family’s landholdings in the UK, aside from their personal wealth, is worth almost 14 billion dollars. that is equivalent to the entire wealth of Mozambique. one small inbred family owns the wealth of an entire country, and not only do they not pay tax on it, we GIVE them money. 82.2 million pounds a year. for a single family. From your tax money. Why on earth are we giving a family as rich as a country a tax brake AND a huge amount of money every year simply because of a quirk of birth? the royal family has (adjusted for inflation) received 5750 million pounds from the taxpayer as long as the Queen has reigned, and the worst thing is, they neither need or notice it. If they stopped being royals tomorrow, they have the kind of inherent wealth that would take many many generations to spend. They take money, hoard it like an evil dragons, and pay 0 tax. If they were a corporation, you’d be furious.

2. ‘Devine Right’

accepting and celebrating the royal family is admitting that, by birth, there is a person who is superior to you. God wanted them in charge, so gifted them the honour of being squeezed out of a royal vagina (or Regina Vagina). This person, because of the circumstances of their birth, gets to sit at the head of our government and has the ability to make law. Every Brexit supporter banging on about the Tyranny of unelected Bureaucrats is surprisingly quiet about our own hereditary unelected official. This thinking is archaic, anti progress and regressive. It’s 2021, and almost all of the civilised world has gotten rid of this out of date institution. I personally believe the systems put in place after Monarchies are dangerously out of date, and we are two whole systems of government behind.

3. Lack of Accountability.

No one should be above the law. be you a binman or president of the USA, if you do something wrong, you should be held accountable. The royals have done many atrocious things in the recent past that are irredeemable. every one of them is protecting a known sex trafficker and paedophile currently, we all know this, and we let it happen. I’m sure there’s lots of stuff they’ve done we are unaware of that’s equally criminal. It can’t ever be one rule for us, and a different rule for them.

But Sam, What about TOURISM!?

This is often the only argument I hear in favour of keeping the royals. Yes, it is undeniable that a royal wedding is a big tourist pull, but a fair taxation on them would easily offset this loss. Plus, do people not visit the castles in Germany, France, Russia or any other ex monarchy anymore? or do people in fact come to see the architecture and respect the history Without there being a standing monarch?

Big Words, Republic boy! So, What’s your solution?

Follow the lineage, sell the tacky merch. Let them live in the castle. Just remove them as head of state, and tax them fairly. That way, the people who love the soap opera style drama can follow the story, the press can still stir up hostility towards interlopers who aren't second cousins, and the money they have given in tax can go towards making England better for the many, instead of the small ruling class. Take the Queen off of the money, and respect the rights of people who don’t want to live as a medieval style serfdom anymore. Heck, they’d make so much money renting the land holds I don’t think they’d mind. If they break the law, stick them in jail, and just maybe we stop them marrying their cousins. Let’s have a country that is modern and forward thinking instead of letting an inherited past damage our future.

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Sam Rhodes

Sam Rhodes is a Comedian, Musician and Writer from South London. He is on tour most of the time, and you can watch his special, ‘’Americanarama’’ on Amazon now.